Image: Anna Quelhas, Shutterstock.com
As my son hurtles towards puberty, he is having to deal with some overwhelming and uncontrollable emotions. As a perimenopausal woman, I too am struggling with emotional dysregulation, and many other unexpected and challenging changes. Together we make quite the pair.
The other evening, I was helping my son work through some difficult feelings he had stemming from an incident at school, when it dawned on me that much of what I was telling him could also apply to me. This got me thinking about the guidance I have given him – and how I should be taking it to heart myself.
Regardless of whether you are dealing with hormonal changes or not, here are a few lessons that are generally good reminders to help all of us navigate the twists and turns of our lives.
1. Your Best is Good Enough
My son gets very frustrated when he does not do something well. He has some unrealistic expectations of what he is naturally capable of. If he joins a soccer game, he thinks that he should be scoring goals and playing well, even if he has never played before. When he writes a test at school, he expects to get a good grade, even if he did not study. And if he puts in any effort through practice or study and still does not do well, he is extremely hard on himself and thinks he is a failure.
I have tried to explain to him that proficiency at anything is going to take time and practice – we need to learn to walk before we run. I have also repeatedly told him that I am less concerned about the result and more interested in the level of effort he puts in. I want him to try his best and be satisfied with the effort, even when the result is not what he would have liked. I want him to understand that his best is good enough – that he is good enough.
This is an important lesson for me to keep in mind as well. Some days are harder than others. I often get down on myself when things that should be easy or natural feel so much more difficult. I often have “brain fog” and difficulty remembering things (like words), and following conversations can be a real struggle sometimes. Some days, just getting out of bed feels like a win. I need to remind myself that I am doing my best in this moment, and that is all I can do. Furthermore, it does not serve me to compare my current self with who I was and what I was capable of years ago.
2. Be Brave, Be Yourself
For the longest time, my son was into whatever the other kids at school were into. He is at an age now, however, where he is starting to decide the things he likes and dislikes independently. He is starting to discover his individuality, but he struggles with embracing it because it makes him different from his friends. He worries that others will not accept his authentic self. We have had many conversations about him being brave, being himself, and letting go of the fear that others will negatively judge him.
As an adult, I thought I was past the point in my life where I worried about what others thought of me. I know who I am and who I am not, and I understand my strengths and limitations; or at least I thought I did. This new reality I find myself in has me questioning my sanity some days, and the only thing I am sure of anymore is that I am very unsure of myself. I realize however, that change is inevitable for all of us. As we age, we are constantly changing – from our likes and dislikes to our physical and mental capabilities. What I am going through may not be exactly what other women my age are experiencing, but we are all in transition; and if we can be brave and find the confidence to embrace our messy new reality and talk more openly about it (with women and men alike), we will likely find that there is much more support in community than there is judgment and shame.
3. Everything Happens for a Learning
As I mentioned already, my son tends to be very hard on himself. When he does something wrong or gets himself into trouble, he beats himself up with extremely negative self-talk and punishes himself. As a parent, it is extremely difficult to see your child so down and hear them question the value of their life. But I also know that the negative thoughts cannot just be turned off. We have been working to help him understand that every perceived negative circumstance also has an opportunity for learning and growth within it. It is not about why something is happening, but rather what he is learning from the situation. We want him to see that his struggles are not for nothing and hopefully he can eventually retrain his brain to see less negativity.
This is something I have believed for a long time, and yet it is still hard to believe that there is any redeeming value in what I am going through now. In fact, rather than helping me to better understand myself and those around me, I feel like this process is dismantling who I know myself to be; and maybe that is not a bad thing. While it may not be obvious to me yet, I am open to the possibilities of what I am going to learn as I navigate this new reality.
4. Go to Sleep
Like most kids, my son has a bedtime routine that we follow and a set time to be in bed. And like most kids, he is constantly trying to negotiate an exception to stay up later. Though the routine has changed slightly over the years, the fact that there is a routine has not. Regardless of when my son goes to bed, he wakes up by 6 a.m., so it has always been important to ensure that he sticks to his bedtime as much as possible to ensure that he gets enough sleep. I am pretty vigilant about this, because I see firsthand how his ability to manage his emotions is negatively impacted when he gets fewer hours of sleep.
I, on the other hand, have no set bedtime or routine. I have never had any issues with falling asleep, but regardless of the number of hours of sleep I get, I never wake feeling rested and refreshed. And if I am honest, I too feel less capable of managing my emotions when I am tired all the time. I recently participated in a sleep study to determine the source of my issue, but it was inconclusive. What the doctor did stress, however, was the importance of having a consistent bedtime and sleep routine. Of all the lessons, this would seemingly be the easiest to actualize, and yet, this has been the hardest for me. If I had to guess, I would say that setting my own bedtime and staying up as late as I want feels like is a measure of control I get to have over my day, which can often feel out of control. Regardless, the evidence is clear; having a routine, and getting a sufficient amount of sleep makes a huge difference in our ability to function and self-regulate. So again, I would do well to heed my own advice. It may not be the cure to all my sleep issues, but it couldn’t hurt.
